ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My GFs good traits:
Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon
Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon