Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.