Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
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Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…