*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
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Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
A French press is when you hug naked
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
a public service announcement
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.