*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
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every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.