*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off