You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Labreador
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
How animals would run if they were human
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”