*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
*updates tinder bio*
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
