*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
You Might Also Like
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
🍞🦆
