I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
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Whichever marketing genius created the “Kim Kardashian Kollection” must not know much about history or acronyms.
People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.
-submissive’s answering machine.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I have lumps on my head.
9: Can I sleep with you?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.