*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Friday
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.