@Inferno_V

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

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@SentenceReduced

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

@kelkulus

Whichever marketing genius created the “Kim Kardashian Kollection” must not know much about history or acronyms.

@mstluvstrinkets

People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.

@clichedout

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

@AngelaEhh

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

@cheers27402373

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

@JoshontheGo

Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.

@UnFitz

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

@TheRolo

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

@BarlowAdams

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.