*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.