Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…