Hank is one in a melon.
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I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.