Hank is one in a melon.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.