Hank is one in a melon.
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ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion