Hank is one in a melon.
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I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell