Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

it be like that

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog