Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..