Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships