Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.