Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!