Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Life hack