Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.