HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
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The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.