Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

is there nothing we can trust anymore

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.