Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
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Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I’M CRYINGGG
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.