Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
You Might Also Like
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
True
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores