Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
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If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
me at the job i begged god for
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?