Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
You Might Also Like
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
This bar smells like my childhood.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
ibopfufen
