Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

San Francisco has too many rules

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”