Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
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Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
i dont have time for this
