Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Is your wife single?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time