Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
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The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
how to have fun when you’re poor
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Krampus.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
What if all the cashiers are married?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!