Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
You Might Also Like
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.