Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
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I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
a badder mouse
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Traveler’s camo
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Encore…
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman