Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
u spoke cat all this time??????
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg