Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
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You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work