Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Suuuuure

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.