Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
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Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Tell me you get it…🤣
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary