Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Important reminders
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I have no passwords left in me
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
