Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”