Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
