Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy