Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

Be the reason someone burns sage.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!