Happens to everyone.
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a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
the three genders
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese