Happens to everyone.
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
what’s the point then??
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
screw you
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help