Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
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My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL