Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
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trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If looks could kill
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!