Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

Spa day..😅

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.