Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.