Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I am never leaving this website
