Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
You Might Also Like
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
