Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.