happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
🌱🌱🌱
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“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.