Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

181.