Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
How can I say no to this ?
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
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Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.