Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

Called it

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Always the vampires

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

When they try to steal your moment.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me