Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Candles never taste the way they smell
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Hey i am sexy to you now
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn