You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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A sincere apology is like coffee.
Don’t talk to me beforehand.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.
Never underestimate the value of a good editor…
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.