Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?