Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

LOL

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.