Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
