Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
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Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.