Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
cyclists
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I wanna be friends with this person
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“i’m in your city”
uhhh have fun??
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
