Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
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[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Husband of the year 😂
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life