Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.