#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
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How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Sending in my taxes
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.