Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

A dad and his duck

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.