Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
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Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I ate everything, including the H.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*