Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an avid indoorsman.

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…