Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

*mops up wine with cat*

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

when you order from DoorDastardly

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair