Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.