Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.