Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
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Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?