Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
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(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
any last words?
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🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist