Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts