Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I occasionally drink every single night.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic