Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
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Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.